What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:23
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ive learnt so much.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
What is the worst thing your sibling has done?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I don,t even have a pension.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But, we were locked up after school.
And i lived it daily.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My family never makes their pension either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So, i spoilt her more .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was seconnd youngest,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But ive been too sick for many years..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I write beautiful poetry .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was 9 years of age.
She married twice! .
Put me off passion for life!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I think the readers, may guess!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it wasn’t much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Comes on , in middle age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
When she asked me how she looked .
I waited trembling.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He knew the spot.
Im still living with it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
All the time i was locked up.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
What did i know ?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was very sick at this time too.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Who then, do I blame.?
So whats the point in blame.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She loved him until the end.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We all went to grammer schools
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was scared of men, in general
She was in good health!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One cannot live in the past .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It was going to be , some day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I said to her
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My life is so biszare .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were not on the streets..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She wouldn,t have been !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.